英文幽默故事
Marriage Proposal to Bernard Shaw
once a beautiful and dissolute British actress wrote to propose marriage to Bernard Shaw． She said she did not mindBernard Shaw's old age and ugliness because he was a genius． And if they could bine the beauty of the woman with the talents of the great man，that would be greatly harmonious． “With your wisdom and my appearance，our children must be perfect．”
Bernard Shaw answered，in a letter，that her imagination wassplendid，“But，what if the children take my appearance and yourwisdom？”
向肖伯纳求婚
英国有位美貌风流的女演员，曾写信向肖伯纳求婚。她说，因为他是个天才，她不嫌肖伯纳年迈丑陋。假如能使女郎的美貌和超人的天才结合，那该是多么协调啊。“咱们的后代有你的智慧和我的美貌，那一定是十全十美了。”
肖伯纳给她回了一封信说，她的想象很是美妙，“可是，假如生下的孩子外貌象我，而智慧又象你，那又该怎么办呢？”
英语幽默故事
Peter
dozed
off
while
his
teacher
was
talking
老师正在讲课，彼得打起瞌睡来了。
Teacher:
Peter！Tell
us,
what's
the
biggest
in
the
world
老师：彼得！你说说，世界上什么最大？
Peter:
Well,
welleyelids
彼得:
嗯……嗯……眼皮……
Teacher:
What？Eyelids？
老师：什么？眼皮？
Peter:
Yes,
sir
Because
as
soon
as
I
shut
my
eyes,
the
eyelids
cover
everything
of
the
world
彼得：是的，老师。因为我眼睛一闭，眼皮就把世界上所有的东西都遮住了
Late
one
night
at
the
insane
asylum
(疯人院）one
inmate
shouted,
"I
am
Napoleon!"
Another
one
said,
"How
do
you
know"
The
first
inmate
said,
"God
told
me!"
Just
then,
a
voice
from
another
room
shouted,
"I
did
not!"
疯人院
一天晚上，在疯人院里，一个病人说："我是拿破仑！"另一个说："你怎么知道？"第一个人说："上帝对我说的！"一会儿，一个声音从另一个房间传来："我没说！"
英语幽默小故事50字左右（带翻译）
Q: Why won’t the elephant use the puter
为什么大象不玩电脑？
A: He’s afraid of the mouse!
他害怕老鼠！
鼠标和老鼠的英文皆为mouse。
mouse [maʊs]n 鼠标；老鼠；胆小羞怯的人
2A much worried patiant walked into the doctor's office and asked for help。
"Doctor, I don't know what to do I accidentally drank a bottle of gasoline yesterday"
"Oh, don't worry! All you have to remember is not to oke in the next few days" The doctor said
一位很焦急的病人走到医生办公室寻求帮助。
“医生，我不知道该怎么办。昨天我不小心喝下了一瓶汽油。”
“哦，不用担心。你一定要牢记未来几天不要吸烟就行了。”医生说。
3A man was hit by a cab in the street
He was brought to the hospital
His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill"
"I am afraid that he is dead"said the doctor,
Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: "I'm not dead I'm still alive"
"Be quiet, "said the wife "the doctor knows better than you!"
一个男人在街上被出租车撞倒送进了医院
他的妻子站在他的床前对医生说:"我想他伤得很厉害"
医生说:"我怕他已经死了"
听到医生的话,这个男人转动着头说:"我没死,我还活着"
妻子说:"安静,医生比你懂得多"
4A man goes to church and starts talking to God
He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you"
And God says: "A penny"
Then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you"
And God says: "a second",
Then the man says: "God, can I have a penny"
And God says "In a second"
一男子进入教堂和上帝对话
他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少"
上帝回答:"一便士"
男子又问:"那一百万年呢"
上帝说:"一秒钟"
最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗"
上帝回答:"过一秒钟"
5Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny
Johnny: He is ill in bed He hurt himself
Tommy: That's too bad How did that happen
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won
汤姆：约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗？
约翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了伤。
汤姆：真糟糕，怎么回事儿？
约翰尼：我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。
6Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again" asked his mother
"I'd know him any where," said Ivan "I have his ear in my pocket"
他的耳朵在我衣兜里
伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？”
“一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。
“再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。
“他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。”
关于英语的幽默故事
Three Surgeons 三个有名的外科医生
Three famous surgeons were bragging about their skills "A man came to me who had his hand cut off," said one "Today that man is a concert violinist" "That's nothing," said another "A guy came to me who had his legs cut off I stitched them back on, and today that man is a marathon runner"
"I can top both of you," said the third "One day I came on the scene of a terrible accident There was nothing left but a horse's posterior - and a pair of glasses Today that man is seated in United States Senate"
三个有名的外科医生正在吹嘘他们的技术。“一个人断了一只手，他来找我，”一个说，“如今那个人是个音乐会的小提琴手。”
“这算不了什么，”另一个说。“一个家伙两条腿断了，他来找我，我将它们接了回去。如今，那人是马拉松选手。”
“我比你们两个都强，”第三个说，“一天，我碰到一起可怕的车祸。除了一个马 ，和一幅眼睛，什么都没有留下。如今，那人坐在美国参议院里。”
一天3个人比赛射击。A，50步射中某人头上的苹果说：I am A。B，100步射中说：I am B。C，150步，开枪后说：I am sorry
英语幽默故事带翻译
The Old Cat
An old woman had a cat The cat was very old; she could not run quickly, and she could not bite, because she was so old One day the old cat saw a mouse; she jumped and caught the mouse But she could not bite it; so the mouse got out of her mouth and ran away, because the cat could not bite it
Then the old woman became very angry because the cat had not killed the mouse She began to hit the cat The cat said, "Do not hit your old servant I have worked for you for many years, and I would work for you still, but I am too old Do not be unkind to the old, but remember what good work the old did when they were young"
译文
老猫
一位老妇有只猫，这只猫很老，它跑不快了，也咬不了东西，因为它年纪太大了。一天，老猫发现一只老鼠，它跳过去抓这只老鼠，然而，它咬不住这只老鼠。因此，老鼠从它的嘴边溜掉了，因为老猫咬不了它。
于是，老妇很生气，因为老猫没有把老鼠咬死。她开始打这只猫，猫说：“不要打你的老仆人，我已经为你服务了很多年，而且还愿意为你效劳，但是，我实在太老了，对年纪大的不要这么无情，要记住老年人在年青时所做过的有益的事情。”
A man was going to the house of some rich person As he went along the road, he saw a box of good apples at the side of the road He said, "I do not want to eat those apples; for the rich man will give me much food; he will give me very nice food to eat" Then he took the apples and threw them away into the st
He went on and came to a river The river had bee very big; so he could not go over it He waited for some time; then he said, "I cannot go to the rich man's house today, for I cannot get over the river"
He began to go home He had eaten no food that day He began to want food He came to the apples, and he was glad to take them out of the st and eat them
Do not throw good things away; you may be glad to have them at some other time
译文
一个人正朝着一个富人的房子走去，当他沿着路走时，在路的一边他发现一箱好苹果，他说：“我不打算吃那些苹果，因为富人会给我更多的食物，他会给我很好吃的东西。”然后他拿起苹果，一把扔到土里去。
他继续走，来到河边，河涨水了，因此，他到不了河对岸，他等了一会儿，然后他说：“今天我去不了富人家了，因为我不能渡过河。”
他开始回家，那天他没有吃东西。他就开始去找吃的，他找到苹果，很高兴地把它们从尘土中翻出来吃了。
不要把好东西扔掉，换个时候你会觉得它们大有用处。
The City Mouse and the Country Mouse
once there were o mice They were friends One mouse lived in the country; the other mouse lived in the city After many years the Country mouse saw the City mouse; he said, "Do e and see me at my house in the country" So the City mouse went The City mouse said, "This food is not good, and your house is not good Why do you live in a hole in the field You should e and live in the city You would live in a nice house made of stone You would have nice food to eat You must e and see me at my house in the city"
The Country mouse went to the house of the City mouse It was a very good house Nice food was set ready for them to eat But just as they began to eat they heard a great noise The City mouse cried, " Run! Run! The cat is ing!" They ran away quickly and hid
After some time they came out When they came out, the Country mouse said, "I do not like living in the city I like living in my hole in the field For it is nicer to be poor and happy, than to be rich and afraid"
译文
城里老鼠和乡下老鼠
从前，有两只老鼠，它们是好朋友。一只老鼠居住在乡村，另一只住在城里。很多年以后，乡下老鼠碰到城里老鼠，它说：“你一定要来我乡下的家看看。”于是，城里老鼠就去了。乡下老鼠领着它到了一块田地上它自己的家里。它把所有最精美食物都找出来给城里老鼠。城里老鼠说：“这东西不好吃，你的家也不好，你为什么住在田野的地洞里呢？你应该搬到城里去住，你能住上用石头造的漂亮房子，还会吃上美味佳肴，你应该到我城里的家看看。”
乡下老鼠就到城里老鼠的家去。房子十分漂亮，好吃的东西也为他们摆好了。可是正当他们要开始吃的时候，听见很大的一阵响声，城里的老鼠叫喊起来：“快跑！快跑！猫来了！”他们飞快地跑开躲藏起来。
过了一会儿，他们出来了。当他们出来时，乡下老鼠说：“我不喜欢住在城里，我喜欢住在田野我的洞里。因为这样虽然贫穷但是快乐自在，比起虽然富有却要过着提心吊胆的生活来说，要好些。”
Teacher:Why are you late for school every morning
Tom:Every time I e to the corner,a sign says,"School-Go slow"
老师:为什么你每天早晨都迟到
汤姆:每当我经过学校的拐角处,就看见一个牌子上写着"学校----慢行"
A Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for o cents "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly "Here are o cents more But why are you so interested in the old woman"
"She is the one who sells the candy"
好孩子
小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”
“她是个卖糖果的。”
Drunk
One day, a father and his little son were going home At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing o policemen If I regard the o policemen as four then I am drunk"
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"
醉酒
一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！”
英语小故事 笑话
英语笑话（一）
Q:
What's
the
difference
beeen
a
monkey
and
a
flea
A:
A
monkey
can
have
fleas,
but
a
flea
can't
have
monkeys
猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢？你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤，而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。这个答案很有意思吧？
Q:
How
can
you
most
irritate
a
farmer
A:
By
treading
on
his
corn
如果你踩了农夫的玉米或是谷物，他肯定会生气的；而如果你踩了农夫脚底的鸡眼，他会更生气。Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”，也有“鸡眼”的意思。
Q:
Which
is
the
strongest
creature
in
the
world
A:
The
snail
It
carries
its
house
on
its
back
因为snail（蜗牛）的后背上总是背着一所房子，所以说蜗牛是世界上最强壮的生物是不足为奇的。你说呢？
Q:
What
do
people
do
in
a
clock
factory
A:
They
make
faces
all
day
一看到make
faces这个短语，你可千万别以为是在钟表厂工作的人整天都做鬼脸呀！因为除了这个意思以外，它还可以从字面上解释为制造钟面。
Q:
How
do
you
stop
a
sleepwalker
from
walking
in
his
sleep
A:
Keep
him
awake
怎样才能不让梦游者（sleepwalker）梦游（walk
in
his
sleep）呢？最简单的方法就是不让他睡觉。虽然这不是治疗方法，但如果让梦游者醒着呢，他的确就不会去梦游了。
简短的英语幽默故事？
不喜欢的英语的人，在学习起来的时候特别烦躁，从而英语成绩一直上不去。学英语的时候为何不加点乐趣进去呢我在此献上英语小故事，希望对你有所帮助。
英语小故事带翻译：粪堆里的小鸟
A little bird fly to south for the winter It was very cold, almost frozen bird Hence, fly to a large space, after a cow there, in a pile of cow dung upon the bird, frozen bird lying on the dunghill, feel very warm, gradually recovered, it is warm and fortable lying, and soon began to sing songs, a passing wildcat hear voices, see, follow the voice, wildcats quickly found lying on the dunghill, bird, pull it out
The way of existence: not everyone to lead the dung upon your people are your enemy Each of you is not from the dunghill lire people are your friends, and, when you lying on the dunghill, had better keep your mouth shut
粪堆里的小鸟
一只小鸟飞到南方去过冬。天很冷，小鸟几乎冻僵了。于是，飞到一大块空地上，一头牛经过那儿，拉了一堆牛粪在小鸟的身上，冻僵的小鸟躺在粪堆里，觉得很温暖，渐渐苏醒过来，它温暖而舒服的躺着，不久唱起歌来，一只路过的野猫听到声音，走过去看个究竟，循着声音，野猫很快发现了躺在粪堆里的小鸟，把它拽出来吃掉了。
生存之道：不是每个往你身上拉大粪的人都是你的敌人。也不是每个把你从粪堆里拉出来的人都是你的朋友，还有，当你躺在粪堆里时，最好把你的嘴闭上。
英语故事带翻译：拔牙 tooth extraction
tooth extraction
“I'm sorry ，Madam ，but I shall have to charge you twenty dollars for pulling your boy's tooth ”
“Twenty d ollars! Why ，I understand you to say that you charged only four dollars for such work!”
“Yes，but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared four other patients out of the office ”
拔牙
“对不起，夫人，为您孩子拔牙我要收取20美元。”
“20美元!为什么不是说好只要4美元。”
“是的，但是你的孩子大喊大叫，把另外四个病人吓跑了。”
英语故事带翻译：醉酒 Drunk
Drunk
One day, a father and his little son were going home At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk" "But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"
中文译文
醉酒
一天，父亲与小儿子一块儿回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀!”
英语幽默小故事50字左右（带翻译）
不喜欢的英语的人，在学习起来的时候特别烦躁，从而英语成绩一直上不去。学英语的时候为何不加点乐趣进去呢我在此献上英语小故事，希望对你有所帮助。
英语幽默故事带翻译：Identification
A woman came into our bank to get a check cashed,but she didn't have an account with us
一位妇女来到我们银行想兑换一张支票，但她在我们这儿没建立帐户。
When I asked her for some identification, she showed me several charge cards,her Social Security card and a library card
当我问她要证明材料时，她把社会保险卡、图书卡拿给我看。
I told her we needed a driver's license，but she didri t have one
我告诉她我们要看她的驾驶证，她说她没有。
"Don't you have something with your picture on it"I asked
“难道你就没带照片的东西吗”
"Oh, sure,"she said as she flipped to a family photo in her wallet
“噢，有啊，”她边说边从钱包里拿出一张合家照。
"That's me in the back row "
“站在后排的那个就是我。”
英语故事带翻译：一次辛苦的旅行
My sister was fond of traveling Ever since graduating, she had been determined to organize a trip to an old temple Since transporting fare was expensive, she decided to use a bicycle to cycle there not caring about the disadvantages Her stubborn attitude was always her shorting once she made up her mind to do something, no one could persuade her to change her mind Finally, we gave in as usual though we preferred to take a train After we prepared everything, including the schedule, reliable weather forecast and the insurance, we began our trip
我的妹妹很喜欢旅行。自从毕业以来，她就下定决心要组织一次往一座古庙的旅行。因为交通费用昂贵，她决定骑自行车去，毫不担心其中的不利情况。顽固的态度一直都是她的缺点，一旦她下定决心要做的事，就没有人能说服她改变主意。最后，我们像往常一样让步，尽管我们更喜欢乘火车去。我们准备好了所有东西，包括时间表、可靠的天气预报，还有保险，就开始了旅程。
Our journey was along a river flowing from a high altitude Our pace was slow because the river frequently had many sharp bends through deep valleys, where the water seemed to boil Just as I recorded in my journal, it was really a hard journey But we also enjoyed great views One night, I put my head on my pillow--a parcel of wool coats, and lay beneath the stars When the flame in front of our cave went out at midnight, I found the sky so beautiful!
我们的旅程沿着一条从高海拔处流下来的河流前行。但我们的步伐很慢，因为当流经深深的峡谷时，这条河流急转弯很多，急湍的河水都似乎沸腾起来。正如我在旅行日志里记录的那样，这真是一次艰苦的旅行。但是我们也欣赏到了美丽的景色。一天晚上，我把头枕在一包羊毛衣服做的枕头上，躺在星空下，当巖洞前的火焰在午夜熄灭时，我发现夜空是如此的美丽!
英语故事带翻译：尾巴到哪里去了
The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours then he started again, and said he:"Let me ask the evolutionist a question --- if we had tails like a baboon, where are they"
教进化论的老师已经滔滔不绝地讲了快两个小时，他的话题又来了：“让我向进化论者提个问题——如果我们曾经像狒狒那样长著尾巴，那么现在尾巴到哪里去了”
"I'll venture an answer, " said an old lady“
我来试试看，”一位老太太说。
"We have worn them off sitting here so long"
“该是我们在这里坐这么久把它们磨掉了吧。”
Q: Why won’t the elephant use the computer
为什么大象不玩电脑？
A: He’s afraid of the mouse!
他害怕老鼠！
鼠标和老鼠的英文皆为mouse。
mouse [maʊs] n 鼠标；老鼠；胆小羞怯的人
2A much worried patiant walked into the doctor's office and asked for help。
"Doctor, I don't know what to do I accidentally drank a bottle of gasoline yesterday"
"Oh, don't worry! All you have to remember is not to smoke in the next few days" The doctor said
一位很焦急的病人走到医生办公室寻求帮助。
“医生，我不知道该怎么办。昨天我不小心喝下了一瓶汽油。”
“哦，不用担心。你一定要牢记未来几天不要吸烟就行了。”医生说。
3A man was hit by a cab in the street
He was brought to the hospital
His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill"
"I am afraid that he is dead"said the doctor,
Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: "I'm not dead I'm still alive"
"Be quiet, "said the wife "the doctor knows better than you!"
一个男人在街上被出租车撞倒送进了医院
他的妻子站在他的床前对医生说:"我想他伤得很厉害"
医生说:"我怕他已经死了"
听到医生的话,这个男人转动着头说:"我没死,我还活着"
妻子说:"安静,医生比你懂得多"
4A man goes to church and starts talking to God
He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you"
And God says: "A penny"
Then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you"
And God says: "a second",
Then the man says: "God, can I have a penny"
And God says "In a second"
一男子进入教堂和上帝对话
他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少"
上帝回答:"一便士"
男子又问:"那一百万年呢"
上帝说:"一秒钟"
最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗"
上帝回答:"过一秒钟"
5Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny
Johnny: He is ill in bed He hurt himself
Tommy: That's too bad How did that happen
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won
汤姆：约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗？
约翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了伤。
汤姆：真糟糕，怎么回事儿？
约翰尼：我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。
6Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again" asked his mother
"I'd know him any where," said Ivan "I have his ear in my pocket"
他的耳朵在我衣兜里
伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？”
“一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。
“再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。
“他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。”
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